


contact

by buu



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 05:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2536241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buu/pseuds/buu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua finds himself changing, slowly. He sits closer to Gon, only Gon, and it's sort of nice, letting his guard down long enough for their shoulders to touch. Gon doesn't seem to notice, as used to physical contact as he is, but Killua can feel it more than any torture he's ever gone through; warm body heat through fabric, sometimes skin on skin, and it takes the edge off even when he's tense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	contact

**Author's Note:**

> lil thing about touching

The Zoldyck family is not known for their warm hugs or tender touches. It doesn't bother Killua, not by now; he's used to feeling grateful when he isn't touched, kicked, hung in chains and whipped. It's part of the territory, and he owes his life to it in many cases, so he isn't complaining, but it's a very different world he comes from. He can't even imagine what it would be like to have a normal family, to get pats on the back that he doesn't have to dodge in fear of what's coming after.

Killua does not miss what he doesn't know. He has never had friends, never really known what it's like to be normal outside what he's seen when he's sent to kill people, and that's not exactly the time to be watching public displays of affection and thinking about how different they are from how he is. It wouldn't be accurate to say he's never cared that he's different; he just doesn't have much time or need to think about it.

So when he meets Gon, he is completely unprepared for the world he's thrown into. Gon's is a world of hugs, high-fives, crawling onto Killua's lap to see out the window when he's claimed the window seat on the train. If he'd known this beforehand, Killua would most likely have shied away, decided to stay back from the weird kid who doesn't understand personal space. He might have worried about killing him, accidentally, when he gets too close too fast and Killua startles too easily, like he does at first.

Used to having to keep his distance in order to protect his life, the first time Killua's pulled into one of Gon's warm hugs he goes completely rigid. He doesn't know how he's let Gon get this close to him; he's stupid, he tells himself, if this had been anyone else...

But it's not anyone else. It's Gon, soft against him despite strength that is bizarre for someone his size, and Killua finds himself relaxing almost against his will. Gon smells like the outdoors, fresh air and trees and sunshine, things almost as foreign to Killua as the hug he's being crushed in. Gon tells him he's not letting go until Killua hugs back, and so he has no choice, he tells himself, but to awkwardly pat Gon's back with his arms; he doesn't know how to hug well, he's only ever really hugged Alluka, but Gon seems pleased enough and pulls back with that unwavering grin of his. Killua even finds himself grinning back.

That's just the start of it. Gon's hug seems to have opened a damn, like he'd been subconsciously holding back until then, because afterwards Killua is bombarded with various displays of affection and touches. Gon will grab his hand frequently, when he wants to show him something, when he wants him to hurry up, when he just feels like it. (“Why are you holding my hand this time, Gon?” Killua asks once when they're walking in town with nowhere to go. Gon just shrugs and say “Because I want to” like it's the most natural thing in the world.)

Killua finds himself changing, slowly. He sits closer to Gon, only Gon, and it's sort of nice, letting his guard down long enough for their shoulders to touch. Gon doesn't seem to notice, as used to physical contact as he is, but Killua can feel it more than any torture he's ever gone through; warm body heat through fabric, sometimes skin on skin, and it takes the edge off even when he's tense. Nothing else has ever done that before.

He finds himself using more excuses to touch Gon. Instead of Gon always grabbing his hand, it becomes the other way around, sometimes; the first time it happens, Gon looks like he's been given the world's best birthday present and Killua has to stare resolutely forward to hide the color on his cheeks. He doesn't know why or how it's so easy for Gon, and he wishes, secretly, that someday it will be as easy for him, at least when it comes to his friend. He doesn't much care about touching anyone else, although sometimes it's nice when Kurapika pats his shoulder, or Leorio ruffles his hair. Not that he will ever, ever tell them.

He doesn't even want to tell Gon how much he likes when they sling their arms around each other shoulders, or sit together on a shared bed, knees touching, while they share candies. Gon is sort of an airhead; Killua doubts he'll notice, ever, and so he tells himself he's safe venturing out, brushing his fingers on Gon's hand when he wants to point something out or hooking their ankles together when they sit on a bench side by side.

It still sets his nerves on fire whenever Gon touches him gently, fingers against his wrist or his cheek to wipe off stray crumbs from a cake. It's a good feeling, though, one Killua grows to relish, the feeling of being close to someone and being alive and not having to hide. It's something very Gon, he finds himself thinking. He doesn't mind it at all. If someone had told him this would be his future, he would probably have killed them.

Killua thinks Gon won't notice the way he's getting closer, touching more, not flinching away when Gon grabs his arm, because Gon's dumb like that, he tells himself. Of course he won't notice.

Gon is always surprising, though. “You don't move away as much anymore,” he says, grinning, one day when he's holding Killua's hand on the way to a candy shop Killua's insisted on visiting before they leave. “I like you like this.”

“Shut up,” Killua replies, glad he's walking slightly ahead so Gon can't see the pink on his cheeks. He doesn't let go of his hand, though, even when Gon squeezes it. He might even squeeze back. He likes Gon like this, too.

It ends up being easy between them, and Killua thinks he can go on like this forever and be completely, 100% satisfied, until they first night they share a bed.

They'd always slept separately up until then, because Killua likes his space, and Gon is the worst person to sleep with, ever. He even admits it, a little sheepish but mostly uncaring, rubbing at the back of his head when he wakes up halfway off the bed with the sheets every which way and the pillow clutched in his arms.

Killua knows it's safer to sleep together, but when they're in a hotel room it doesn't really matter, he tells himself, and it's not like he won't wake up if there's a threat. He'd thought Gon would be a heavy sleeper, but he's surprisingly light when he wants to be, when they're sleeping outside and there's a noise they aren't expecting. In the hotels, though, he sleeps like a rock, and Killua would be lying if he said he hasn't watched him and wondered how he can sleep so deeply. Sleep is not one of Killua's many strong points.

There's only one bed in this hotel room, the rest of them booked up, and Killua suggests they play rock paper scissors to decide who is going to sleep on the hard-looking armchair in the corner. Gon just laughs and says it's okay if they share, he'll do his best not to move, and he looks so determined that Killua can't say no. It's true the bed is much more comfortable than sleeping upright, waking up with a cramped back, and although Killua can sleep standing up, chained to a wall, or stay awake for days straight, he much prefers to sleep in a bed.

“Alright,” Killua says after a minute of thinking. “But I'll kick you if you wake me up.”

Gon pouts, and Killua hates that look because it's almost impossible for him to resists. “That's no fair, Killua wakes up when I sneeze across the room,” and it's true, Killua is the lightest sleeper he knows. He has to be. They end up wrestling on the floor as they argue, Gon grinning away, unphased as ever, and they end up crawling into bed exhausted and calling a draw.

The lights are off, moonlight is filtering in through the window, and Gon's smiling at him from the other side of the pillow they're sharing. Killua feels himself getting warmer even though they're not touching; he doesn't know if he's ever been this close to someone while sleeping. Gon looks like he's having the time of his life.

“It's like a sleepover,” he says, giddy, blankets tucked around his chin. “I'm almost too excited to sleep.”

Killua rolls his eyes and tugs the blankets up over his shoulders. “I'll get mad if you keep me up so go to sleep.”

And he does. Gon's ability to fall asleep almost instantly is pretty impressive, even to Killua. He's never been able to sleep nearly as quickly as Gon, and he doubts he ever will. Watching him, though, breathing deeply and looking utterly content, is making his eyes feel heavy, like Gon's sleep is infectious, and he finds himself slipping off soon enough, shared body heat making him warm and toasty under the covers. He vaguely wonders why they've never done this before as he drifts off; it's kind of nice.

Killua remembers why as soon as he feels something nudging him and his eyes fly open. He's fully awake instantly, pupils cutting through the darkness to see what threat's wakened him. And then he relaxes when he sees nobody else in the room; nobody but Gon, rolled closer, arm flung over Killua's shoulder.

The touch sends something soft through Killua, and it feels warm where skin touches skin. Gon is close, and warm, and smells like nature and Gon and safety, somehow, and Killua feels his heartbeat slowing already as he allows his muscles to relax. Gon's breath puffs against his face; their noses are almost touching. It should be uncomfortable, but it isn't.

He wakes up in the morning, not even realizing he's fallen asleep. Gon hadn't kicked him once throughout the night, and that in itself is kind of a miracle. Killua goes to stretch, and then he sees why. Gon's been unable to kick him, legs tangled up in Killua's own, arms wrapped around him like he sometimes clings to pillows in his sleep.

Killua feels the color rising to his cheeks and he tries to shove Gon off, because this is too close and too weird and his heart is beating faster than it should, faster than when he's in imminent danger and that's silly because it's Gon, the person he feels safest with. Gon doesn't let go, though, even when his eyes slide open and he smiles blearily at Killua.

“Good morning,” he says, and then he closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. Killua sighs and resigns himself to waiting until Gon wakes up, and then they'll never have to deal with this situation again, he tells himself. This is the last time he allows himself to be Gon's stuffed animal.

It is far, far from the last time.

Killua's resolve has always been weak when it comes to Gon, and afterwards, at every inn they stay at, Gon asks to share a bed even when there's another in the room.

“I sleep well with Killua,” he says, and Killua's cheeks heat up like they've been doing lately. “And you sleep well, too.” He looks smug when he says that, and Killua ends up tackling him to the ground and pinning him and threatening to drool on his face unless he cries uncle and takes it back.

He gives in, though, allowing Gon to snuggle up next to him even before he's asleep, and that's the way it is. Even outside, Gon stays close, ends up wrapped around him, and Killua finds that he doesn't mind at all, because what Gon said is true; he sleeps well when they're together.

And that's when another problem arises; Killua does not sleep well when they aren't together.

He's grown so accustomed to being near Gon, to being physically close, that it feels wrong when he sleeps alone. It's cold and empty and he can sleep, of course, because he's slept in worse conditions, but somehow this feels as sullen as hanging in chains from the ceiling at home. He tosses and turns and eventually gives up on sleep altogether; when they sleep together again, the next time, he's nearly shocked at how easy it is for him to drift off next to Gon. Nearly, but not quite. That's just how Gon is. Gon is warm and close and easy to be around, sunlight and outdoors and maybe even hugs in human form, embarrassing as that thought is; Killua will never breathe a word to it, but he finds himself thinking it when they sit together on a train, Gon's arm linked with his while he points out the window at something, finger poking Killua's cheek, picking him up in a bear hug that shouldn't be possible for someone of his size.

Killua realizes he's changed, and maybe not for the better, because he wants to be close to Gon all the time, but he guesses it doesn't matter as long as he's by Gon's side like he always will be, always wants to be. Gon's definitely not complaining when Killua jumps at him, flinging his arms around Gon's shoulders and they fall down together, laughing. That's the way it should be, Killua says to himself, the way it should have been from the start, the way it feels to be not-quite-normal, but close enough for it not to matter.

**Author's Note:**

> and then they separate and nothing is the same and everything is awful _:(´□`」 ∠):_


End file.
